Everyone knows that the Presidential campaign has been going negative lately. Is this a surprise? No. At least in my lifetime, every political campaign (A few congressional campaigns and 2-3 presidential) I’ve been familiar with has gone negative. 

Obama has been dealing with the negative campaign for quite some time, even before the conventions. Remember Hillary and Barack going at it? Things got pretty heated; even SNL skits have exploited this. Another “scandal” that Obama has dealt with, and, to some people is still dealing with is the internet rumors that he is a radical Muslim. I can assure you, he’s not a Muslim. 

Now, all of the negative campaigning reminds me of my childhood, no, I was not abused or have deep emotional scars that still carry on into my adult (esque) life, but of a toy. I had quite a few toys when I was a child, however, one of my favorite ones was the rock ‘em sock ‘em robots. My brother and I would play for hours, arguing who won each match debate and how the other one rigged our robot. Even the robust plastic fighters were red and blue! I don’t know much about Mattel’s political preference, but its definitely not subtle whatever it is. 

I was watching Letterman or Conan O’Brien and I saw McCain and Obama action figures. Turns out, its a real thing, for a mere $20 you can support your favorite candidate with a stylish novelty action figure to cherish the memory of your vote for him. 

Then I thought, why can’t we forget about being subtle with our toys, drop the conventions, and just make rock ‘em sock ‘em robots with our presidential candidates? There would be just as much outcry, controversy, and emotional baggage as before. Campaign laws can now be thrown out in favor of a Canadian referee. That seems like a much cheaper way to manage multi-million dollar campaigns. 

Satire Alert! Satire Alert! Much of this post is using the literary device of sarcasm!

Over the summer I worked for a congressman (as a manager) who is going to win a senate seat this November. It was an awesome job, getting a few bucks to talk politics with people at parties and do office work, etc. However, there was one part about it, canvassing, that I didn’t appreciate about as much. On the other hand, there were some “redeeming” qualities about it. 

1.        I was walking along a country road outside of Albuquerque, with the highway to my left and a tall white fence to my right.  Because I was walking in an unfamiliar neighborhood, I was paying attention to my map, and every so often, I would look up so I didn’t trip, and at one point, I looked up to see three large balls of grey fluff. I thought to myself, “This is the south valley, in the country. Oh well, it can’t really be anything”.  As I made it about three-quarters away from the start of this field, I began to feel a hard knocking upon my right shoulder and back. My initial instinct was to swing, so I let a left hook fly, which didn’t land anywhere but air. As my eyes finally gaze upon my attacker, I realize that those seemingly harmless ‘dust balls’ were actually ostriches. As my mind catches up to the reality that my attacker will not be held of by diplomacy, I quickly escorted myself quite a distance from the site of the unruly ostriches.

2.      Where: South Valley, Albuquerque NM.
         When: August 5, 2008 4:24 pm.                                                                                                              What: Two young sheep head-butted me upon my entrance to the standard front yard that they reside in. In my initial surveillance of the property, these two suspects were immobile and thus, looking fake.

Why: I don’t know, I’ve never had mutton.

3.       “Is Mark Alvarez home?” “I don’t know ‘holmes’, I don’t live here, go away.”

4.      “Hi, my name is Andrew, I’m here from the Tom Udall campaign, and I was wondering if we can count on your support for Tom in November?” “I haven’t made up my mind yet, now that Hillary Clinton lost the primaries” “Umm… ma’am, that’s a different election” “I know, but now that she lost, I’m re-thinking everything.” “Oh… have a nice day.” “ENJOY!”

5.      “Hi, my name is Andrew, I’m here from the Tom Udall campaign, and I was wondering if we can count on your vote for Tom in November?” “I don’t know what you mean by … voting” “Umm… wow… at the polls, does that help?” “Oh! I’m not voting this year!” “Would it help if you voted by mail?” “Go away young man!”

 The next few are rated PG-13 to R. The weak of heart or stomach should cease reading immediately.

6.      “Hi, my name is Andrew, I’m here from the Tom Udall campaign, and I was wondering if we can count on your support for Tom in November?” “Oh, hmm… can you come back later? I’m naked and I just got home.” “Ahh, well, I don’t actually have time ma’am, I’m sorry for catching you at a bad time.” “Haha, It’s alright, I really don’t mind.” [Personal commentary: she was 54 years old, she also wasn’t aware that although her screen door is nearly opaque, it is not, which did not bode well for my perfect eyesight. It has been burned into my brain.]

7.      In the southwest, adobe houses are quite common, and aesthetically pleasing too. This particular one had an adobe wall surrounding a small entry way to the front door. I rang the doorbell, and the man sticks his head out of a small window in this wall and says “Hey, so… would you mind coming back later? I’m uhh… well… kinda… hmm… well I’m naked.” “Actually, I’m sorry sir; I don’t have time today, and have a good one though.”

8.      “Hi, my name is Andrew, I’m here from the Tom Udall campaign, and I was wondering if we can count on your support for Tom in November?” “I’m not interesting in politics, sorry.” [this is a fairly standard response, however, the interesting part of this middle-aged woman is that she was wearing leopard print lingerie. She should not have been wearing leopard print lingerie, not by my own volition, she was just that ugly.]

9.      I rang the doorbell, the husband of the family answers via the intercom system. “Hi, what can I do for you?” the background ambiance was not of a running shower, music or a television, but of a moaning wife. Therefore I reply with a quick “Have fun!” and promptly leave the premises.

10.   As I walk up to the front door I realize that the main door is open, and the other door is glass, and behind this glass door was a woman wearing nothing but underwear. She immediately turns around and lets out a yelp of being startled, ergo I quickly turn around to leave, however she opens the door, “No, no, it’s okay, you just scared me.  What can I do for you?”

11.     “Hi, my name is Andrew, I’m here from the Tom Udall campaign, and I was wondering if we can count on your support for Tom in November?” “I’ll tell you what you can count on, would you like to come inside for a drink there cutie?” “Well, I’d love to, but I’m at work right now…” “Aww, what a shame. You never know where we could have ended up.”

The weak of heart and/or stomach reader may now continue reading.

12.    The next house’s occupants did not answer the door; however it deserves mention because of its décor. Signs in the yard advertising “magic happens”. A final count of seven black felines running around the front and side yards. A bust of a male smoking a cigarette with a paintbrush protruding from the top of the skull while red paint seeps down from the entry point. After I ring the doorbell, a crow begins to… well… crow profusely.

13.    The next incident was not at an actual door; however a large man wearing black sweat clothes in June had been following me around this particular neighborhood. Eventually I was irritated with this behavior, so I stood in the middle of the street and kept a solid glare upon his stature. He then decided it was best to not escalate the conflict and dove into the large juniper bush near his locale not to be seen again.

14.   In the south valley again, a yard was full of ducks, and as I opened the gate to enter the property, they began storming me, and from my experience taunting ducks at the lake, I know that a ducks bite.  It really does hurt quite a bit. So I closed the gate and left.

15.    Props to the countless bums that ask for money, and what I was doing. Double props to the amazing individuals who offered me cold bottles of water.

16.   As I was walking to a house, the doorway had a significant amount of ivy thriving amongst it and apparently I startled a few hummingbirds nesting. This surprise made them fly the “coop” and in mid-flight, my forehead made contact with the bird’s very sharp beak.

17.    After the new owner of the home that I had approached informed me that the family I requested had moved, he pointed to my Udall shirt and said “And I DON’T support HIM!” “Okay, I’m just looking for the ones I asked for anyways” “I think he’s in jail!” To this I look at my sheet (which has voter information) and say “An eighty-five year old man?” “Uhh… yeah! All I know is I had to go down to the sub-station to sign some papers when I bought the house.” “Heh. Heh. Gotcha, sorry about that sir.”

FACTS: I was raised Republican. I am currently registered as such. My last employer was a Democratic Congressman running for U.S. Senate- Tom Udall (D-NM). 

         Let’s cover some basics, after all, don’t both sides believe the other misses the basics on a lot of things? The United States will elect a new president. Senators John McCain (R-AZ) and Barack Obama (D-IL) are running for this position. The election is on november 4th. That is soon, and to be a good citizen and not fall in the fires of bad-citizenery, (I checked, and this is where some of the Harding tunnels lead to) you, as an American, should vote. “Mr. English, how do I know which one to choose?” you might ask. Well, friend, by the time you’re done reading, you’ll be “election ready”. 

         I’ve chosen two topics (for now) that are prevalent to many people, whether it be emotionally, intellectually or dogmatically. Some have previously been discussed here on the Cartel, so don’t be alarmed if your issue isn’t covered, simply read on, friend. 

The Economy

         Obama’s Plan- to impose a windfall tax on large industry that would be used to finance an economic stimulus check to working, middle-class families. Those same families would also experience a tax cut. Obama also would like to strengthen America’s involvement with international trade, by adjusting tariffs to benefit the American people. Raising the federal minimum wage to a “livable” wage for working class Americans with a family. (Current federal minimum wage is $6.55) All of these ideas sound initially excellent, and would not have any adverse effects that I can see. However, Obama also supports making homeownership a key goal for every American. In theory I completely agree with this concept, but the means for this do not justify the ends. NINJA loans are a large problem we are in such an economic crisis now. Obama voted for the bailout package, time will tell if it was a beneficial maneuver. 

         McCain’s Plan- John McCain would like to see a reduction in social programs (Social Security, [I would have thought he appreciated an agency that caters to his age-group], Medicare and Medicaid etc.) to balance the federal budget, as well as reform Washington. What does that mean? I don’t think anyone knows, because I’m fairly certain I’ve heard that from every politician who isn’t a presidential incumbent say that. Bureaucracy is about as hard to get rid of as the annoying kid from the playground who wants to sit at your lunch table. Another critique of McCain’s economic policy almost parallel’s Obama. He would like to make states guarantee student loans, which would promote higher education, help enrollment rates and generally be good, right? If someone can’t afford to borrow money, how are they expected to return borrowed money they don’t have? Its a tricky problem. 

Education

         Obama- Improve teacher quality through firing the bad ones and rewarding the good ones. Other methods would be promoting teacher conferences to improve a teachers knowledge on how to teach. Obama would also like to increase college accessibility to American high-schoolers, this means simplifying the FAFSA (Its about 15 pages of redundant information- but then again, it gets you money) and encouraging high schools to increase college awareness. Making math and science a priority so we can compete as a nation with the other industrialized nations is also on the tentative agenda. 

        McCain- I couldn’t find much on a McCain education policy, but what I could find looked like this. Equal access to education, not necessarily equal education. This is fair, some students/people are simply more intelligent and can handle/should handle a better education. Like Obama, McCain would like to improve teachers in virtually the same manner. 

More issues will come, hopefully you can make a decision. Conservatives should feel comfortable voting for Barack Obama, just as much as Liberals should feel comfortable(ish) voting for John McCain… albeit they probably won’t. Looks like Obama’s gonna win this one.